He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
