Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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