So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
