Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
