I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
