the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
