Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
