so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
