Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
