I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
