census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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