If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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