i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
