My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
how drunk are you?
Several
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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