do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
