My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
