just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
