he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
