I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
