Betty ford says i'm here all night
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
