got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
