Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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