Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
