happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
