Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
