he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
