There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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