I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
