Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it hurts more in the daytime
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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