I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
