hotel room ftw
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
