There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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