I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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