sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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