pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Randomize
