I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
