remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
