Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
