Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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