Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
