I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
