I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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