I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
