I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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