Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
