Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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