i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
