Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
