I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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