i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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