3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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