btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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